Inhibitions
by Emma CS Me
Summary: Kurt needs closure for his feelings toward Finn. His plan for this is absolutely awful. Trigger warning: sexual assault.


**Author's Notes:** Written for this prompt on the glee_angst_meme: "I'm really wanting a fic where Kurt purposefully/knowingly molests Finn. It doesn't have to necessarily escalate to full-blown rape, but perhaps Kurt drugs him or something... because Finn does have the size and height advantage. Doesn't have to be drugs, could be another method, preferably would like Finn aware of what Kurt's doing, and maybe that's the reason Kurt can't go completely through with a rape? Because, he starts to feel guilty. I don't want Kurt inhibited in anyway by alcohol or whatnot, I want him fully aware of what he's doing." Yeah, I'm going to hell. :/  


* * *

**Inhibitions**

"Did you, like, put fiber-optic thingies in my ceiling? 'Cause it's... like... purpley-greeny-magicalness."

Under normal circumstances, Kurt would roll his eyes at that. At this present moment, he does not. "No, Finn. Come on, you're drunk. Go to bed; get some sleep."

"I wasn't drinking," says Finn, but he obediently follows anyway – although, he may not have much of a choice, being strung over Kurt's shoulder, drugged out of his mind and incapable of standing on his own. He is _ridiculously_ heavy, by the way.

Kurt lays Finn down into his bed, and sets to work on his clothing. His stomach jumps, as does something else, slightly lower. Finn makes a small noise of panic, and Kurt immediately sets about calming him: "Shh, shh Finn, it's okay. I'm just getting you into bed."

The pops open the first button on Finn's shirt. Then the second. Finn just lies the placidly for a while, eyes gently closed, and Kurt gratefully thinks he's fallen asleep. Then Finn speaks again.

"Is Mom going to show up?" asks Finn. "Like... is she coming to read me a bedtime story or something?"

Kurt's stomach gives a violent lurch. Carole. She would _kill_ him for this. "No, Finn," he says, taking a deep breath to stay calm. "They're out tonight, remember? A romantic evening. Good for them, don't you think? I can play the protective family member right now, don't worry."

Kurt may have _slightly_ left the voucher for a romantic weekend away in their hotel room, as a gift.

Kurt undoes the rest of the buttons, and pulls Finn's shirt apart. He examines the skin now revealed to him, and takes a short breath. He just wants to _touch_. He stops himself for a while – is Finn asleep yet?

"Finn?"

"Kurt?" Finn's voice is slurred from the drugs, but he's definitely _conscious_. Why isn't he asleep yet? Kurt gave him _for_ than enough pills to knock _himself_ out in under ten minutes.

...Then again, Finn is considerably _larger_ than Kurt. Huh. For something that he planned out so much, he didn't think it through.

Kurt inhales heavily. Nevermind. He's come so far; he has to keep going. He undoes the button, drags down the zip. Gives a small gasp.

Restraint takes leave. He reaches out and _grabs._ He strokes Finn purposefully through the cotton boxers (alien-head pattern, _ew_. Well, no-one said the boy was perfect), trying to get used to the feel in his hand. When he looks up again, Finn's eyes are open.

"Kurtwhatareyoudoing?" Finn blurts out so quick Kurt barely catches it.

"Finn, it's okay, it's okay," he says quickly. "It's going to be okay, I promise you. Trust me?"

"Stop," Finn blurts out. Kurt ignores him, and moves back up. "What are you–"

Kurt cuts him off with a kiss, slow in steady. He sucks the air out of Finn's lungs and tries not to panic. This is so unfair. Finn wasn't _meant_ to be awake. He wasn't _meant_ to remember anything. Still, the drugs are having enough effect that it's not like he can fight Kurt off – as long as Kurt stays _calm_, and in control, this will be okay.

It's just not _fair._ All he wants is Finn, and he's never going to have a chance, ever – can anyone blame him for taking desperate measures? He just wants to move on. Fulfill this fascination that looms over him like a storm; it's had too much affect on... everything. He's hurt people due to this before; he knows it. If he can just finish this... it will be done. Things will be fine. This was meant to _not_ hurt Finn; he wasn't meant to _know_.

Finn very slowly pulls his head to the side. Kurt decides to go with the flow, and kisses his way down Finn's neck. "Kurt, stop," Finn moans. "I don't want this."

"I don't care," Kurt immediately shoots back, moving downward over Finn's chest. He breathes in and out, keeping his heart rate steady. _Don't panic. Panic and _he'll _panic, even if he's drugged._ Kurt traces Finn's nipples with his tongue, shoving the shirt further back – as far off as it will go with how Finn is lying – before moving further downward.

Kurt pulls the jeans down – he has some difficulty, as Finn is less than light and keeps the fabric pressed down, but Kurt manages – and starts to mouth at Finn's cock through his underwear. He gives a small moan at the feeling. This has been part of his fantasies for more than awhile – admittedly, he imagined Finn as somewhat more _enthusiastic_ (there's a euphemism for you) – and to know it makes him shiver. Finn gives a twitch in his mouth, and Kurt gives a small sigh of relief. That's a good thing. Finn doesn't have that much of a problem with this; Kurt _is_ arousing him. It's going to be okay.

"Kurt, _please_ stop," Finn whispers. "I don't want you. To. Uh..."

Kurt pulls off with a sigh. "Finn, _please_. Just trust me. It'll be over soon, okay?" he hooks his nails under the waistband of Finn's underwear, careful not to scratch him – Kurt knows his nails are long and sharp. Finn just whimpers.

Kurt pulls them down slowly, trying to block out the despairing noises Finn is making. _It'll be okay_, he tells himself. He stares once he finally sees Finn's cock bare and in all it's glory.

"Wow," he can't help but say. He returns his mouth there; he can feel the sizable lump between his own legs, but he ignores it for now. He's dedicated to learning the taste, the feel of _this_ in his mouth. For now, he just _wants_.

Then Finn mumbles something.

Kurt can't make it out, and it sounds a bit long to just be another "no". It may just be are more long-winded approach, but he pulls back anyway. "Pardon?"

"Did I do something wrong?"

Finn's eyes are closed, and his words are more slurred than before, but Kurt makes that out. He can see something shining from under Finn's eyelids – tears. He gapes and wriggles his way back up.

"No, of course not," he says. He presses a firm kiss to Finn's mouth. Finn's entire body shudders, and Kurt suddenly wonders if he tastes _himself_ in Kurt's mouth – does that disgust him? Frighten him? Both.

_Well, duh,_ he thinks.

Kurt snakes his hand down and rubs Finn again. The boy is making his way to half-hard, and that's encouraging. It'll be okay. If he can just stay like this for long enough, it'll be okay.

"I just want..." Kurt hesitates to complete his sentence, "...closure."

"I want to stop," says Finn. Kurt stares at him.

"You're hard," Kurt points out. It's a slight exaggeration, but the point remains.

"I don't care," Finn can barely talk now; he's finally on the urge of passing out. Still, Kurt pulls his hand away.

God damn it, why does he have to look so... innocent? Vulnerable? Helpless? He reminds Kurt of a puppy, as if Kurt wasn't creeping himself out enough already.

Kurt blinks at Finn lying underneath him, too drugged to move, eyes shut tight but tears leaking out. "Finn... are you okay?"

The answer feels less obvious than he knows it is.

Finn shakes his head slowly, still not daring to look, and Kurt is hit by the reality of what he's doing with all the force of a speeding train.

Oh _god_. This is... he was drugging Finn to have sex with him. He was _drugging_ Finn to have _sex_ with him. Kurt immediately rolls off and sits on the edge of the bed, trying to shrink down and lose himself inside his own clothing (unlikely, given how tight-fitting it is). He wipes the sweat and precome off his hand on the sheets. He doesn't _want_ to put names to what he was doing; he knew from the start that it was wrong, and he knew what it _was_ but... it took until the last moment to sink in.

Finn's eyes still aren't open. Kurt takes a deep breath. _Stay calm_, he tells himself. _Don't make everything worse_.

Kurt does his best to stand up. He's about as shaky on his feet as Finn was before, but he has nothing to rely on. He grips the headboard, closes his eyes and holds on until the world stops spinning. He's not intoxicated. Not in the slightest. He's just... scared.

"Okay," he says. Finn's eyes finally creak open. Kurt sighs, and slowly steps towards the end of the bed. "Okay," he repeats as he pulls the bedsheets up and over Finn. "I won't... You can sleep. I won't... I'm sorry."

His voice cracks on the end bit, and Finn keeps staring at him for a few seconds. Then he gives into exhaustion – also known as the effects of chemicals he should not have had upon the brain – and closes his eyes again. Kurt sees his body deflate, and realizes he's finally asleep. It doesn't reassure him like it would have... what, fifteen minutes ago? God, what was he _doing_?

Suddenly, Kurt's full-blown crying; loud, choked, sobbing tears. _Stop it_, he tells himself. _You're not the victim here. You hurt someone. _Stop_. You don't get to feel sorry for yourself._

Kurt manages to compose himself – for a microsecond, anyway. It takes one look to Finn's face – still anxious and worried, even if he's mercifully passed out – to make Kurt collapse again.

He turns on his heel and heads out the door. _What am I going to do?

* * *

_

Kurt wakes up at five AM the next morning, and immediately starts cooking. By the time Finn finally drags himself to the kitchen – either due to his usual sleeping in on weekends habits, terror of being in the same room with Kurt, or a mixture of both; Kurt doesn't really know – it's at least eleven; Kurt is covered with flour and various baking-related substances, and pastries and other foodstuffs adorn every inch of their kitchen.

"Finn, good morning," he says, voice high and pitchy. "I, uh, made breakfast. Lots of it, in fact."

It's a peace offering. His way of asking for forgiveness. His _absolutely fucking pathetic_ way of asking for forgiveness.

Finn blinks at him. Kurt just stares. Maybe this won't work out because, when he turns around, the elephant in the room will have eaten all he's cooked.

"Thanks," says Finn eventually. Then he turns around to open the cupboard where they keep the coffee cups, and stares at them like they are the intricate maps to the Great Land Beyond or something.

Kurt sighs. "Finn, can we... can we talk about this?"

Kurt watches as Finn's body visibly tenses; he starts to prepare himself for any physical violence that may occur (not that he could blame Finn, of course). Finn keeps his back to Kurt, and just asks "Talk about what?"

"Don't play dumb, Finn, please," Kurt pleads. "We both know what I'm talking about. What I _did_... Finn, I am so sorry."

Finn sighs loudly, and slowly turns around. "I know," he says. He makes his way over to the kitchen table, and more collapses onto a chair than sits on it. There's an awkward pause.

"I just got so... so _desperate_," Kurt says. He follows Finn to the table. "I wanted you _so_ much, and I _knew_ couldn't never have you, and it was... I need to _resolve_ it; these feelings, _somehow_, and I just thought... If you weren't..."

He trails off. There's no excuse for what he did and he knows it. To try and _make_ excuses is awful, offensive, and hurtful. Maybe it's a bit late to worry about that _now_, but it's also the only way he has any chance of keeping his sanity.

"...I was meant to be passed out, wasn't I?" asks Finn. "I'm... pretty certain you drugged me, dude. I think I know..."

Kurt breathes in. "Yeah," he says. "Yeah, you were meant to be passed out. I drugged you. I thought, if you didn't _know_, didn't _remember_..."

"Kurt," Finn says, voice strained, "If I was... would you still have stopped? Before doing anything, um..."

Kurt just stares at him for a few moments. "I... I don't know," he admits. Finn just nods.

"Finn, I am _so sorry_," he blurts out. "I know nothing I can ever say or do will make it up to you. I will regret this until I die; I just... what can I do? How can I make this better?"

"Could you leave me alone?" it sounds like a request; it's not harsh or cruel. "I just... I wasn't meant to know about this, right? Right now, I'd like to feel like I don't know. And that's kind of... _hard_ with you here. So, could you just..."

"Of course," Kurt immediately says. "You can, uh, help yourself to breakfast. You're a growing boy; hopefully you can handle it all," he fakes a smile for that. "Besides, I'm pretty sure there's a sale on down at... anyway... I'll leave."

Finn just nods at him again, and Kurt stands. He makes his way through the hallway, trying not to cry and grabbing his bag on the way. He swings open the front door, and tells himself the second shoe won't drop quite yet.


End file.
